reply of a deaf heart

..Just now i am thinking if you are lucky enough of having me in your life. You are miles away and yet you find a reason making my day extra special. You always prove your love in every possible way you can. A thing that I can never do now in your lonely times. I don't know how to make you feel loved right now. I hate to see you hurting and carrying a burden I can't even share with. I hate to hear you crying and I can't do nothing to take away them all from your heart. Every time you lose hope, the pain occupies me inside. For I seem to be worthless not giving you the strenght you needed from the start...I don't know what's happening with me. I wanted to comfort you every minute and just hold you close..so you will just feel the beating of my heart and will forget everything the cruel world is giving you. I love it when you put your head on my shoulder and search for my hand. In silence we can understand the unspoken cries, just a tight hold in the hand, i can make you feel safe and smile.

..Few more months before I'll see your face again. More sleepless nights to come, wondering if you're still alright. I want you to be stronger inside so you can defend yourself from those people who will try to pull you down. I want to see you as a fighter so you can just laugh all the troubles out. I don't want you to be so dependent on me for I may crush your heart without knowing. I want you to be find the courage to stand for what is right and ignore the influence of others' thinking..

..Please do realize that all lies within you, it's not in me. Fight back and prove them wrong. Fight for yourself and not for anyone else. It is your battle, I'm just here to hold your back so you won't fall.



..And most of all, never say you have nothing left..you still own me..i am still yours.

Dear ________,

I wish the past didn't happen. I always wanted to wake up with no hatred lurking inside me. I feel so tired of hating you and all the worsts that happened to us. I know I should forgive everything so I can totally move on. But until now I can't. The smartest way is to avoid you, but how can I do that if you keep on coming back in my arms? There are times I am convinced of your love. When I think of how you keep waiting despite of pushing you away again and again. You seem so numb not feeling every pain I was giving you all the way. Do you have no pride left for yourself? Why are you doing this? Why do you keep begging for the same love?
Everybody knows you have the best life. You got everything you wanted. Your friends envy you. You are born the luckiest. Everyone can't say a thing against you. Even my family loves you. And it leaves me all alone having this pain you have caused.

Your presence makes me confuse myself. Your caresses make me weak. I feel helpless every time you put your lips onto mine. Your scent stays in my nostrils, it is the same potion you've been using to keep me wanting you more. You are so uncontrollable, yet you keep controlling me. You know how to read my every move and you know how to dance with it. And it's killing me not to love you.

I wish I could tell you all these facts. But I won't. 'COz the moment you will hear these words, then you will know you have the right to own me again. I wish I could stay as a sweet lover as you used to know me. I wish I could reply to your -i luv you- without hesitation behind my deaf heart.. I just wish I could stop thinking of you now..



unwell,

_ _ _ _ _ _

The most beautiful words by a wounded heart:
"I never stopped loving you, I just stop showing it"

Message sent followed by my number. Sent back by my past love last night. I don't remember the exact day I gave the message to her. Maybe it was on the time I was struggling to move on.

Whatever purpose she has upon returning the message, I didn't ask. No need to ask when you know the damage has been done. Feelings change when hearts have been broken.

That time when I have the nerve to send that message was the time I can't let things go. I put a lot of pressure for myself to work things out. I asked for second chances though I was the fooled one. I ignored the pain though it's choking me. I swallowed until the last pride I got inside just to gain her back. But she didn't hear..she can't..she won't.

My heart was totally crushed before the year 2009 started. Until now, it remained crushed. It's traumatized.

What is worst today? Every 20th marks the special day we had before.
She did greet me like she used to do. I didn't reply.
She'll be back anytime today. Should you wish me luck?


~beanizer-- trying to understand

i hate the process of FALLING iN LOVE--
when your mind can't think straight and your heart can't let go..
when you want to stop but its gravity is pulling you stronger..
and you keep on fighting to end it but your will becomes weaker..



i hate the process of FALLING iN LOVE--
when you act like a fool and you don't mind that fact..
when you build expectations yet no commitment was made..
when you rely on someone and you are not worth trusted..



=STILL, I CAN TAKE THE PROCESS DESPITE IT CLEARLY DEFINED THE RISK=


BUT, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS LINE TOLD BY A BROKEN GIRL TO AN ORDINARY BOY:

"--but im glad someone's keeping me happy now:)
I maybe not your girl but atleast you're sure I'll stay.."

THUS, realized..

SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

For a month i left this deaf site. It remained silent during the month of love and wished to keep the quietness 'til the end..but didn't happen..i still miss my dear deaf heart. I turned into the old pages of it and found--most pieces were broken and sad..for a long span it dedicated the lines to some special people..i wish to have an amnesia..i want to think that they are all mere fictions and just plain work pieces..no inspirations..but still thanks to those people who made the deaf heart hear for quite some time..

Now, this site is moving on.

It has no assurance of giving better new posts and will not speak according to real experiences of the writer. It will only tell fictions and baseless views. It will only hear others' thoughts without asking. It leaves the option for the reader either to follow every word or just leave it unread.

~way back in highschool,we play this song (in a school concert)..
i choose the instrumentals for you to try following the tune through your heart..
to those who can still hear, take time:

Have you ever seen yourself so lucky?--
that you are indeed proud of what you are?--
that you see yourself bringing sunshine in one person's life?--
that you wake up each morning having that wide smile that even reaches the depth of your soul?--

Have you ever felt so special AGAIN in your life?--
that you have found another reason of your existence?--
that you are making a purpose on this planet to some strangers?--
that you believe your past nightmares are finally over?--

I HAVE~~THEN.

But..


Have you experienced being broken AGAIN?--
by another person who you thought is different from the first one?--
that you thought would be willing to accept you after all?--
and you tried to give yourself another damn excuse just to fall?

Have you felt the SAME familiar pain AGAIN?--
finding out she is feeling the same happiness you once tried to give her?--
that you realized the same words she gave you belongs to someone else now?--
and you were JUST one of her PAST who never passed her standards?--

I GUESS~~I HAVE TOO.

And..

It's the damnest thing I hated most..yet..I'm locked into right now.



LeSSON: DON'T TRUST STRANGERS. (I have to say that..part of blogging)

~~Beanizer about to explode~~

Finally, the love's month is over..
Now here I go again..

"It's amazing how the falling rain symbolizes fearless love..
It goes down nOt knowing where it would land..
yet, IT STILL FALLS.."

~Who fears love? = I DON'T.
~Who fears falling in love? = I do.. in special cases.

Young people loves falling in love, even matured people loves it. Do we find the signs if the person we meet will make us fall? Obviously, there are no signs. Maybe such why they call it "falling in love" 'coz we are not forced to fall.

I met some thought one time, it says that falling in love is like falling on a dump hole. There are just 2 reasons why it happens..1--by accident or 2--you're simply stupid. I don't know if I believe it. 'Coz there are times I believe in serendipity--the hopeless romantic side of me. Yet most I conclude, Cupid is drunk when he is in the mood of hitting me with his arrows.

There's nothing wrong having fears especially with falling IN love. It is not wrong to save your own heart. It is not wrong to UNrisk a friendship. It further shows you really love the person 'coz you're afraid of losing him/her as a friend and keeping your love for the sake of keeping her/him a lifetime(?). But, is it fair? It may seem selfish to getting him/her a chance to be happy with you? I don't know.

I fell in love once and I do admit..the love is not totally gone, yet, the level of love is not the same anymore. It is easy to fall in love but it is a lot harder to fall out of it. It sounds stupid. When the one I USED to love asked me if I'm falling in love with someone new, I just turned silent. I am confused. If I say yes, the next question is--with whom?, and that, is the hardest part 'coz I don't know who's to fall or if the feeling is real or..it's just an illusion.

Ok, so those who are IN LOVE, please raise your comments and explain it to me.


~~bean's ____________________________