reply of a deaf heart

Is waiting always the best proof of true love?
At some point, hmm…maybe. (?) ..
If the measurement of love is waiting, does it take an assurance that you will not be taken for granted in the future? When is the right time to wait? What is the best reason to wait? Why do we need to wait?

I am one of the most impatient living creatures on this planet. I hate the idea of waiting though I won’t deny the fact that I am always late in any sort of appointments and gatherings. Well, not at all times late, but I hardly come on time or earlier than expected (except when it comes to work, hehe). Ok, I am unfair in that part, it’ll be nice for them to wait but I can’t wait for them longer.
I missed a call the other night, and missed again last night, so I got the message,
“I’ve been calling you all the time, until when will I keep waiting for you to pick it up?”
At first, it sounded funny to me, getting someone annoyed waiting. But then, I remember,
”Am I not waiting for someone too?”
I am keeping someone waiting, and I keep on waiting for someone. Ok, this is stupid. I feel stupid. And I do accept it, this time, I am stupid. I keep on believing the quote “Time is of the essence” --by..who again? ok, I forgot.
Yet, why do I keep waiting for someone who “might” want me to stay, but doesn’t show a single care of my waiting. If someone values you, why do we need to feel rejection and loneliness? If I am special and has a ‘lil space in one’s life, then, why do I feel not important?
As much as I want to keep a promise and build a stronger faith, I feel weaker when I have no one to trust my feelings. It’s like spending your last days on earth with no one but your own self knows it. It’s like holding your breath underwater and every time you let the air go, you’re getting near death. It’s like waiting for Christmas day but you only got to live on the 24th and no one cares.

If we know we will regret letting someone go, why do we need to keep them away? If we are confused and don’t understand ourselves, why don’t we stop asking and searching for answers? If our dark past haunts us, why don’t we take the present lighter? If we are afraid to be hurt again, why don’t we learn to handle our fears? If you’re scared to experience the same thing your loved ones had, why don’t you make your own story and think that you came into this world with your OWN life to live and not because of them?

Dear Sunshine,

It seems so long that I’ve heard much from you. I know you’re still there but still this quietness made me feel lonely as every minute passes. My mind was occupied with so many things; countless why’s that bothered me. Some things made me feel cold. I said to myself, it would be better not to talk to you anymore so as to forget you easily. I wanted this feeling to fade quickly. But I can’t run away from what I really feel, I am incomplete.
Yesterday was a fine day. I spent most of my time surfing the net, reading blogs, sharing opinions with strangers in this world where I found you. My mind was so active that I feel like answering all others’ questions as if it’s just the mind that decides them all. But you know what, as I lay myself to bed last night, I realized one thing—I am blind. I failed to see the answers to all my queries. The answers were fed to me the whole time. Believe it or not, all that I have done and met these past days led me to you. It’s funny to think, I didn’t believe it at first, but now I do. Somehow, life has its own way of letting me discover the response every day. Crazy incidents that reminded me of you but rejecting it each time it crosses my way.
Now, I see it clearly. I am certain this time. How? I went back to where we started, the past, the words..every thing that led us to where we are now. It was fine before, we were so happy, so comfy exchanging thoughts. But as days leave us, certain things developed. Our feelings were distracted. It was too early, I pushed things so hard. I failed to know you more, I failed to understand your past. I dwell on the present not considering what has happened and too immature not to think what will happen. I was too scared like you are. Yet, I am so impulsive to set things the way I wanted them to be.
And as a result of my immaturity, I lost you. I am haunted by your words and thoughts. Here I am, doing a letter in the middle of office hours, acting like a pathetic idiot. There’s something in you that keeps this longing and I can’t help it. I know you are happy now, and I don’t want to be the cause of unhappiness. I don’t care for romantic bonds anymore..well, ok maybe I do..but I’m not pushing it this time. I am not demanding it now or maybe never if that what it takes to make you stay. If you find the right guy, I respect it. Mere friendship would be enough for me. I need someone who can understand me when I don’t understand myself.
Sorry but I can’t let you go.
I can’t promise you anything at this moment. I can’t promise the change in me. All I know is I need you back. I want you back.
I’m begging you to stay,
yes, I’m begging you not to leave.
Please, not now.

Missing you,
rainfall