reply of a deaf heart

empty memory provokes a carefree move
opens the chamber of wisdom, every soul has to prove
no one is unwelcomed, believe and take a chance
if your pen knows the rhythm, then show me how it’ll dance

I brought myself in this world of strangers and the unknown
Words helped me melting hearts like an ice cream in a cone
Hurtful memories reveal a pathetic life of a fool
Some finds them interesting, though pains aren’t pretty cool

Different souls behind mysterious names share the same universe
An artist, a journalist, a voyager, a student-nurse
An angel, a dreamer, a bookwriter and a kid
A Christian, a Muslim, where faith has no room to bid

New friends have found in this world of undefined happiness and tears
Life has shown its meaning thru wide-thinkers, even the deaf can hear
The most have chosen complex syllables likely to impress
Only a few can unveil the sentiments simply just to express

Crazy as it seem, sayin’ happy despite of odds
Fake, as they describe it, a silent part of the director’s cut
It’s easy to attract when sweet foundation has been built
Still some forces repel when unwanted character has been unsealed

So if silence occupies the heart and grief makes you sigh
Remember that the moon will never ever leave her sky
If you know whom to trust, do take your chances to fall
Fall with eyes wide open and your heart can answer and see it all

(d ff –xclusive for 2 real angels --)

Angel, the ambiguous, yet not that complicated
Finding the wrong princes should never be hated
Braver spirit, sensible wits will make you certain---
Of meeting the deserving prince who’ll mend those broken wing(s) again

Didz, still beautiful behind d blue heart that often dares
Sensuous smile, oh, catching everyone who stares
Making each day lighter, optimism’s contagious to all
Single yet taken, charm draws every creature to fall..

..i want go home..not in our house, nor n the apartment..i want go back to the place where I can be with myself alone..away from this world, not in this planet, away from this universe..

..am I experiencing a wonderful life?.., am I missing something?..is this real?..

.i’ve been wondering the mysteries of this life..why do we need to go out into this world and experience the things happening now..are we destined to have them?..is there really a destiny?..if God has written our fates, .how do we know that today isn’t the same day as yesterday?,,how sure are we that our minds are not programmed by God?..am I questioning my faith now (pardon Lord)..just a part of human nature—restless mind..

..i am weak..inside and out..i know I am sensitive, but some say I’m not
..they say I am so tough, stone-hearted, passive, carefree..
some say I’m the type who never forgets, so unforgiving..
some say I keep standards, rules with every one who comes into my life..
some say I live an easy life-no hesitations, no limits, no problems, every thing’s possible..

and I know, they must be right (maybe)..
or wrong..(they are just the “some” who failed to know me deeper..)

but this is me---

(THIS GOES TO YOU WHO ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ALL THE REASONS BEHIND THIS SELF)
...
..I am sensitive with your feelings, but I don’t want you to feel I’m still here.
..my heart is caring, though you didn’t take good care of it..
..i have forgiven you, even before you say your sorry..
..i forgot the rules when you entered my lonely life..
..i limit myself to making things impossible ‘coz I don’t want to see you cry..

And you ask me why?..

..I don’t want you to be aware of my existence, ‘coz I want you to be stronger when I’m gone..
..my heart seems deaf, ‘coz it doesn’t want to fail us again.
..you didn’t hear me forgiving, so you won’t find a reason to hurt me for the nth time..
..i don’t want to see you cry, so you won’t find the tears flowing from my own eyes..

And if..

..you can only read this, then you’ll understand..
..that silence is for the moment-- the only friend I have..
..for us to continue the journey of our separate but uncomplicated lives..
..for us to give happiness and understanding in their wise and unjust eyes…//091109

..didz’ blog made me think…09.09.09..a perfect number..and what is the next exact date of the year.. a triple 10..i paused..i remembered, it’ll be her birthday..she’ll be 23 by then, the exact age I am now..why am I thinking this way..i don’t like the feeling..here we go again..memories..memories..

her 1st birthday we shared together was with her classmates and their mentor..i was so attached with them, I built a friendship with the people--my classmates (in college) would least be interested knowing..(that course-related issues)..i forgot and broke our class rule because of her (it wasn’t really a rule to hate them,,heheh)..i got to know them well, after office I was attending their classes as a regular student and my attendance is a must..(damnly stupid)..it was fun..and that dinner date with the class on her day was really special 

..on her 2nd birthday, she was in their review school..i took a leave from the office and travelled by sea in an hour to surprise her on that day..only her friends knew I was coming..and there, I met them in the church..i saw a teary-eyed lover smiling in front of me..

..that was then..

..now is a new chapter..

..two nights ago, she texted..’hi..how are you’—
and i gave her the same answer “pls do leave me alone”..

she insistd..and so I called her..i asked her nicely to let me go..

she refused..

i felt my face turned red (she’s getting n my nerve)..
she said” juz let me contact you..”I’m sick right now..pls just let me do this..”

.. still..my answer was” NO”..

..the worst, she wanted to meet me in my apartment again, "we’ll talk..i’ll spend a night with you..”

i tried to give excuses but she’s willing to wait..finally I told her, “I don’t want to see you again”..

..she begged, “please, this will be your birthday gift for me”..

..I kept silent..until I said my final NO..


Now, I am deeply bothered..what will happen after 30 days..her another birthday..


Should I make this day special for her?

Or..

Should I stick with my promise to my deaf heart?//090909

sometimes ..
we need to be rejected—for us to long for acceptance..
we need to let go of what we once had—for us to grasp what we really deserve..
we need to cry— to wash our blinded beliefs..
we need to wake up—to detach from our fantasies and see the real things..
we need to be afraid— to prevent from falling into mistakes..
we need to fight—to learn how to get tired and surrender..
we need to be defeated—for us to know our limitations..//090809

Memories remain in the minds of people that have given greater than what they should only give…for people who had experienced betrayal, unfaithfulness and undesirable pain..no matter how fast the clock ticks, it can’t take away the moments stocked in one’s memory. The heart beats louder than every tick of that clock..and every beat speaks the unwanted thoughts..the unspoken words, the unexpressed emotion that only a lonely self can understand. Still, you can’t hold the time..there are no test-trials..every second counts..no one can bring back the same air we breathe in..as we allow one’s self to be drowned with the helpless past//090809

Everything seems perfect, I am free again
I’ve got a lot times to spent with some good ol’ friends
I can do all things without hesitation, no need for second thoughts
I can make rhymes without the influence of the inspiration I once lost

Thousand stupid chances, every one thinks I’m a fool
I don’t believe in love, it’s just a game of endless rules
Lucky for the safe players, they ended still whole
Too bad for the riskers, sacrifices turned their hearts cold

How could a strong affection leads a fatal distraction?
How could a gentle warm touch become a deadly poison?
Those were the eyes—they promised me not to let go
Still look beautiful behind the painful regrets they tried not to show

Never would I know such efforts weren’t enough
Hard to bring back the self, the character so tough
Why didn’t I realize, I am not her ideal lover to fall
But a complete perfect loser of a love story she won’ want to recall :(