Friday, September 11, 2009

the reason behind

..i want go home..not in our house, nor n the apartment..i want go back to the place where I can be with myself alone..away from this world, not in this planet, away from this universe.. I experiencing a wonderful life?.., am I missing something? this real?..

.i’ve been wondering the mysteries of this life..why do we need to go out into this world and experience the things happening now..are we destined to have them? there really a destiny?..if God has written our fates, .how do we know that today isn’t the same day as yesterday?,,how sure are we that our minds are not programmed by God? I questioning my faith now (pardon Lord)..just a part of human nature—restless mind..

..i am weak..inside and out..i know I am sensitive, but some say I’m not
..they say I am so tough, stone-hearted, passive, carefree..
some say I’m the type who never forgets, so unforgiving..
some say I keep standards, rules with every one who comes into my life..
some say I live an easy life-no hesitations, no limits, no problems, every thing’s possible..

and I know, they must be right (maybe)..
or wrong..(they are just the “some” who failed to know me deeper..)

but this is me---

..I am sensitive with your feelings, but I don’t want you to feel I’m still here. heart is caring, though you didn’t take good care of it..
..i have forgiven you, even before you say your sorry..
..i forgot the rules when you entered my lonely life..
..i limit myself to making things impossible ‘coz I don’t want to see you cry..

And you ask me why?..

..I don’t want you to be aware of my existence, ‘coz I want you to be stronger when I’m gone.. heart seems deaf, ‘coz it doesn’t want to fail us again. didn’t hear me forgiving, so you won’t find a reason to hurt me for the nth time..
..i don’t want to see you cry, so you won’t find the tears flowing from my own eyes..

And if.. can only read this, then you’ll understand..
..that silence is for the moment-- the only friend I have..
..for us to continue the journey of our separate but uncomplicated lives..
..for us to give happiness and understanding in their wise and unjust eyes…//091109


  1. ilikeseven said...
    Hi Beanizer, Ok..before I leave a friendly comment for u on this...u have to give me times to go through over and over again with this entry u posted. hehe, pardon my bluriness (is there such word? or blurry) hehe. Promise will get back 2u on this one ;)
    ambiguous_angel said...
    That is one deep post again..

    from what i've read, i assume that you're not that though, you're actually coward(sorry)'re afraid to fall inlove with her again thats why you're avoiding her..
    Hmm.good strategy.

    But s0metimes you have to face her in 0rder to stop hurting her and yourself too.

    Okay.i am n0w c0nfused with what im saying.

    Just stop feeling sad..please be happy like what you always telling me..let go of your past..
    and silence is not your only friend,you have us:)
    ambiguous_angel said...
    that's 'tough',haha.stupid me.
    I re-read my comment and too late to edit it.
    Anyway, smile..
    beanizer_05 said...
    haha..u got me confused 2 angel..wel, u'r ryt..m nt that tough..u dnt hav 2 corrct ur words..getin blurred lyk didz?..heheh..nywei, thanx 4 dropin by..sure, i hav u here..and m glad 2 know it from u..tnx :)

    and didz, hai, blurred again, r u on drugs l8ly? hahaha..juz kiddin'..tnx 4 d comment :)

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