reply of a deaf heart

Is waiting always the best proof of true love?
At some point, hmm…maybe. (?) ..
If the measurement of love is waiting, does it take an assurance that you will not be taken for granted in the future? When is the right time to wait? What is the best reason to wait? Why do we need to wait?

I am one of the most impatient living creatures on this planet. I hate the idea of waiting though I won’t deny the fact that I am always late in any sort of appointments and gatherings. Well, not at all times late, but I hardly come on time or earlier than expected (except when it comes to work, hehe). Ok, I am unfair in that part, it’ll be nice for them to wait but I can’t wait for them longer.
I missed a call the other night, and missed again last night, so I got the message,
“I’ve been calling you all the time, until when will I keep waiting for you to pick it up?”
At first, it sounded funny to me, getting someone annoyed waiting. But then, I remember,
”Am I not waiting for someone too?”
I am keeping someone waiting, and I keep on waiting for someone. Ok, this is stupid. I feel stupid. And I do accept it, this time, I am stupid. I keep on believing the quote “Time is of the essence” --by..who again? ok, I forgot.
Yet, why do I keep waiting for someone who “might” want me to stay, but doesn’t show a single care of my waiting. If someone values you, why do we need to feel rejection and loneliness? If I am special and has a ‘lil space in one’s life, then, why do I feel not important?
As much as I want to keep a promise and build a stronger faith, I feel weaker when I have no one to trust my feelings. It’s like spending your last days on earth with no one but your own self knows it. It’s like holding your breath underwater and every time you let the air go, you’re getting near death. It’s like waiting for Christmas day but you only got to live on the 24th and no one cares.

If we know we will regret letting someone go, why do we need to keep them away? If we are confused and don’t understand ourselves, why don’t we stop asking and searching for answers? If our dark past haunts us, why don’t we take the present lighter? If we are afraid to be hurt again, why don’t we learn to handle our fears? If you’re scared to experience the same thing your loved ones had, why don’t you make your own story and think that you came into this world with your OWN life to live and not because of them?

Dear Sunshine,

It seems so long that I’ve heard much from you. I know you’re still there but still this quietness made me feel lonely as every minute passes. My mind was occupied with so many things; countless why’s that bothered me. Some things made me feel cold. I said to myself, it would be better not to talk to you anymore so as to forget you easily. I wanted this feeling to fade quickly. But I can’t run away from what I really feel, I am incomplete.
Yesterday was a fine day. I spent most of my time surfing the net, reading blogs, sharing opinions with strangers in this world where I found you. My mind was so active that I feel like answering all others’ questions as if it’s just the mind that decides them all. But you know what, as I lay myself to bed last night, I realized one thing—I am blind. I failed to see the answers to all my queries. The answers were fed to me the whole time. Believe it or not, all that I have done and met these past days led me to you. It’s funny to think, I didn’t believe it at first, but now I do. Somehow, life has its own way of letting me discover the response every day. Crazy incidents that reminded me of you but rejecting it each time it crosses my way.
Now, I see it clearly. I am certain this time. How? I went back to where we started, the past, the words..every thing that led us to where we are now. It was fine before, we were so happy, so comfy exchanging thoughts. But as days leave us, certain things developed. Our feelings were distracted. It was too early, I pushed things so hard. I failed to know you more, I failed to understand your past. I dwell on the present not considering what has happened and too immature not to think what will happen. I was too scared like you are. Yet, I am so impulsive to set things the way I wanted them to be.
And as a result of my immaturity, I lost you. I am haunted by your words and thoughts. Here I am, doing a letter in the middle of office hours, acting like a pathetic idiot. There’s something in you that keeps this longing and I can’t help it. I know you are happy now, and I don’t want to be the cause of unhappiness. I don’t care for romantic bonds anymore..well, ok maybe I do..but I’m not pushing it this time. I am not demanding it now or maybe never if that what it takes to make you stay. If you find the right guy, I respect it. Mere friendship would be enough for me. I need someone who can understand me when I don’t understand myself.
Sorry but I can’t let you go.
I can’t promise you anything at this moment. I can’t promise the change in me. All I know is I need you back. I want you back.
I’m begging you to stay,
yes, I’m begging you not to leave.
Please, not now.

Missing you,
rainfall

--m a y b e ?--

--from d sender--


make SOMEONE a

who MAKES you ONLY an

--believe me,

I was listening to some music when I remember some part of my past.

I used to cut work just to have a date with my past love..

There were hundreds of reasons we argue about..

Our views always collide..

Our likes never meet..

Her favorites were never in my list..

The only thing that connects us in some way is—MUSIC.

She loves singing though she’s out of tune (she rarely admits)..
There was a time before when..she got mad at me..it’s all because of one song. The thing was, I can’t get the right tune of that song, so she ended singing alone. I can see how disappointed she was..she said it’s OUR song and I didn’t even appreciate it. I laughed seeing her in that state. So she sat on a bench ignoring my presence. I didn’t say a thing or apologize. Instead, I held her hand and led her to that same videoke room again. I chose that one and only song in the machine more than 3 times. I was really out of tune..but then, she finally smiled..and laughed seeing my eagerness singing that song. We sang the same song again and again ‘til I find my tune. She laid her head on my shoulder after we had our last. I knew I made her happy.

If ever you wonder what song it is..listen to this..

--but we were never careful on each other's hearts..

“SPECIAL IS DIFFERENT FROM IMPORTANT”

SPECIAL- someone you’ll never forget for the rest of your life..

IMPORTANT- someone you need for the rest of your life..

So tell me,,

AM I IMPORTANT OR SPECIAL?

--this message was sent to me a long time ago..and it made me confused at that point ‘coz I don’t know which answer is better than the other..playing safe, I said-BOTH...

Now it made me think again, there are many people who had and who will have special spaces in our hearts..but does it always follow that they all play an important roles in our lives?
There are so many passers-by we meet in different roads—

some will share their sweet smiles..
some will shed tears with you..
some we will forever remember..
and some will remain just strangers..

SPECIAL--We CAN’T hold on to them all through out our lives, often we have to move on..not because they have hurt us, not because we have dried our eyes crying for them, not because we value them less..BUT because..we MUST love ourselves more, and they made us learn how to live without them. They are part of beautiful chapters in our lives. They made our lives wonderful because they taught us the value of RESPECT and TRUST. –these are the values we missed to understand ‘coz we are blinded by their selfishness and betrayal. If we open our minds wider, we will then be aware that their way of hurting us- is but the same way of getting us back the values we lost for our own selves. For such reason why we call them SPECIAL—is due to the fact that they created an impact in our lives, SPECIAL ‘coz sometimes they made our lives extra-ordinary. No one can replace each SPECIAL person we have, not even the new found love. No one has the same level of their love, no one has the same weight of the pains they’ve caused us..and that made them SPECIAL.


IMPORTANT- We MUST hold them as long as we live. They are the ones we fail to value FIRST but in the END COMPLETES our whole being. They are the ones we SAVE THE BEST OF US. They are our soulmates (if we believe in such). They are the perfect pieces we’ve been missing for a long time. They are the ones who accept us ‘til we’re in our death beds. They made us know our priorities and we put them on top of it. Important people are like the organs inside your body. A part of your system. They can’t change your past, but they can move your future. They can’t make you forget your memories, but they will make the best moments of your present reality.

--behind these thoughts, YOU must be grateful for all of them..either they’re SPECIAL or IMPORTANT..’
Why? –‘coz they came into your life for the SAME reason—
MAKING YOU
H A P P Y

One of the things I surely won’t do is locking someone in my life. I rarely ask for second chances, I hardly ask someone to stay against their will.. if I do, that person must be really special. I can beg a maximum of three chances to make someone stay. In those chances, I am trying to understand her, the world and me. Despite I needed someone so much, I don’t have enough guts to hold her. They say love is holding on..but others say it is letting go—the latter I believe.

If I happen to make someone smile, it’s a fulfillment.
If I happen to make her frown, it’s a failure..
If I happen to make her hate me, I have nothing to do..
If she wanted me to let her go, I would do so..

I must let her go not to break her heart..but to let her save it from me..i am not a heartbreaker yet I am not a heart-programmer..
I won’t beg her to stay ‘coz I don’t want her to be unhappy again..

Message in the line:
“ There would come a point that we have to let go of someone we truly love, not because we don’t want them anymore or we stopped loving them..but because THEY’LL BE HAPPIER IF WE LET THEM GO.”

They say the only thing that is permanent in this world is CHANGE. Maybe such is the reason why some people wanted to change everything. Regardless of the subject, change is constant. I love changes when it comes to physical matters, to material things, to developments, every thing the bare hands can feel..but not with the untouchables-the attitude and the character.

The fear of changing my being is unchanging. At some point in my life, I managed to change my self, I learned to be unselfish, to give more than I can, I had given time more than its value. I was happy, I thought I made the right decision of changing into someone I am not. Until one day, the person who changed my world left me behind. It seemed to be an endless journey of finding one’s self. For months I tried to get my old self back, but I was totally lost.

After the long struggle, I found myself back, the very self I am now. Along with this old-self reunion was a promise not to risk for changing the character again. I told myself not to please any one just to make them stay. Yet, sometime, someone became so special that a part of this ego was forgotten. I thought I was good enough, but I am still not a saint. The dark side of my being slowly has been trying to make its way. I didn’t hold it back. It was a conscious choice. Simply because, I don’t want to be loved as a good person. I can make few changes in my beliefs, but not too much.

I never wanted someone to change because of me. Fair enough, that, I don’t want to change for someone who can’t accept me as me. If what I did and what I have at the moment won’t satisfy my precious one, I have no choice but to give up. I don’t want reach her standards to prove my love for her. I f she can’t be contented now, there’s no time she will be.

I will never be a better person for someone who won’t consider me as one.
And if ever I wanted to, I need her to teach me how..



not to leave me in an instant.

The best thing of following posts of the best bloggers in this site is getting your own self more realizations on things you missed to understand. Just this morning, I found some latest posts which made me pause, remember the past and question my own thinking.

I wish to post a quotation I remember..but fail to recall the exact words on such line. Anyway, it pointed out the difference between LETTING GO and GIVING UP..most of us misused these lines often..


LETTING GO applies to those you wanted NOT to stay ANYMORE..but you must consider a fact that this someone/something HAS BEEN TRULY YOURS for some time..

On the other hand,

GIVING UP is taking away the chance or possibility of HAVING SOMEONE you WISH to have/own..that someone/something has been JUST a part of your WISH..an unfulfilled wish..but was NEVER YOURS at any time.

However, these two different lines settle to ONE objective:

BREAKING ONE’S HEART

There are times I find myself lonely because you’re not there..
Though I wanted to find you, things are playing inside this consciousness that made me accept your silence..
If only I am braver enough to tell you how much your presence makes a difference but I can’t..
I don’t know how to make you happier and feel special in other way possible..
I hate some days when you are out of touch and take me for granted..
In those times when all I am wishing for is someone who will listen and understand this stranger but no one is there..
I wish I could comfort you in your not-so-good days..
Your quietness makes me doubt my own faith..i don’t think you needed me still..
I become stubborn when my eyes find others’ names instead of yours on my cel..
I hate this part when I’m missing you a lot and you seem so insensitive not to feel it..
I am becoming so cautious with my words at the moment ‘coz I don’t want to ruin some things again..
I am being too careful that I fear this heart would soon turn numb and cold of waiting..
I want this feeling to last, yet, I don’t know where to stand and put myself..
Some changes are happening right now and I don’t know how to face it..
As time passes me by, I am becoming a helpless coward..

Ok..

I think I should end this post before I pick the wrong words..

But please. don’t forget..

I miss you MORE than you do..

my day is incomplete without you because..

No matter how fast i run away from complications, fate had its own way of setting things less than i do expect. I am always open to changes, yet, I can’t take the fear of facing some changes in my life that this heart won’t want to hear and the mind won’t want to understand..

this song is an answer..

If you happen to hate me, feel free to let go—
If you happen to love me, don’t take it so slow—
If you happen to hurt me, I won’t plead you to stop—
If you happen to accept me, then it is my only luck—

If I happen to ask you, how long will you stay—
If I happen to hear you, forever I will pray—
If I happen to go there and sit by your side—
If I happen to see you, please don’t ever hide—

If we happen to long for each other, let me find you again—
If we happen to fail love, I’ll ask more cupid’s arrows to hit us within—
If we happen to be together, I won’t let go of your hand—
If we happen to find someone else, then I will understand--

signed: desperate

feel every word of this song..i love this..

Your silence makes me wonder—
My silence makes you doubt—
Your silence makes me weaker—
My silence makes you pout—

If your silence conquers my heart—
And my silence occupies your mind—
Will the silence make us fall apart?—
Or will it ruin the hidden feeling inside?—

This silence between us is safer—
That silence has been so unkind—
This silence I wanted no longer—
This silence can never bind—


signed: dumb

YOU were my life before you broke my heart—
SHE gives the dumb heart a new life to start—
YOU were my world, my sweet beginning yet my tragic end—
SHE’s not my everything, a complete stranger but truly a heaven sent—

I made YOU my captain, this insane soul was lost—
SHE finds my heart broken, her existence is a special cause—
I entered your damn world too risky, YOU repaid them all with lies—
She makes me swallow my pride just to avoid her saying goodbye—

YOU wanted me to come back, I never wanted you at all—
For this deep silence was slowly taken by someone who’s afraid to fall—
I didn’t have her “yes” ‘coz SHE’s playing safe, uncompromised—
Though I needed her to stay so I’ll have a lifetime reason to smile—

As much as I wish to show YOU the inner space I leave for HER—
I prefer not to, simply because I can’t take the fear SHE bears—
So if that time comes and all my untaken chances are gone—
I still wish HER the best man who could make those things I undoubtedly can’t—


signed: coward

Sorry for not being so perfect –
Sorry for being too sweet—
Sorry for not being gentle—
Sorry for being too-keep—

Sorry for the words not softly spoken—
Sorry for the songs you can’t even hear—
Sorry for the attitude unwanted—
Sorry for the wound I didn’t heal—

Sorry for getting jealous—
Sorry for feeling so insecure—
Sorry for waiting too early—
Sorry for breaking the rule—

Sorry for taking the wrong chances—
Sorry for breaking another wing—
Sorry for not helping the escape thing—
Sorry for this love- not so consistent in heart-fixing—


signed: idiot

SUPERMAN,


One of the greatest things I am and will forever be grateful to God is having you as the instrument of my existence..i wish I could speak a word on the very moment I had my first breath on this world—so you can hear me saying my “thank you”..I wish I could show a wide smile on my first look in your eyes so you’ll know how proud I am of having you in my life..there are million things I wish could do just to show you how much you mean to me..
I can still remember how you carry me in those strong shoulders, how you put up my own basketball court and made me a wooden see-saw-- your hands are so crafty, you are so cool..those were the sweet times when I ride in your back and you acted like my horsey (hehe)..those nights when you tell me scary bedtime stories that will make me pee in the middle of my sleep..how you fetched me in school when I was in my lower grade..I wish I could turn back the time..me as a carefree child of yours..
I know I am not your favorite but you spoiled me like I am..I recall the time you hit me with your big leather belt, you were so strong, mama can’t stop you..i thought you don’t love me at all but it was your way of cutting the horns in my head..we all had the whipping anyway and we deserve them—I know.
..but you know what’s the best moments that made me smile and cry?..On my graduation days in highschool and college.. I always expect them..I was all the time teary-eyed, blushing when my friends would poke me saying –“look, your papa is crying”..how could a strong disciplinarian cry in front of so many people?..the soft side we seldom see (and I got from you)..you can’t get up on stage ‘coz you can’t stop it and you’ll get the whole crowd crying too (hai)..at the end of the program I would kiss you and put the prize around your neck..and you cry again (hehe)..
Now, it’s different. I am not totally independent but I learned to live away from home..i have lots to discover but still I wanted you to be a part of every best moments in my life (I know you will)..thanks for all the support and the unconditional love..i am proud of you..
See you sooon!! Happy birthday! I love you pa!..


Still your baby;

BATMAN

a mistake.
i opened a useless topic.
despite knowing the same answer, my mind can’t help but ask for a desperate wish to come true..
as expected—a more heartbreaking failure..

i took a short silence thinking what to say..
until a text message was found..
it says “i love you”
i smiled- i was thinking of her
but the smile vanished in less than a second—
‘coz it wasn’t from her after all..

and so i laid in bed..waiting for answers on the ceiling..
queries flying inside a confused consciousness..
should i keep waiting for her—who’s afraid of loving me?
or should i take a chance on the old one—who keeps on waiting for me to love her again?..

“(yawn) What time is it?”—asked my sleepy soul as my hand searched the celfone..
“oh sh*t!, it’s 7:35.”, (I’m late for work again)
I grabbed my towel, replied a good morning text, made coffee, and ran towards d bathroom..feeling dizzy, took a bath and recalling how last night ended ..

It was an early nightmare (my eyes were still open)..
I was in bed when I received a text message accidentally / incidentally sent to me..
it goes like this (orig txt in Filipino)

“(___), I can’t give my “yes” to you coz I still love him. We’re fine with “what” we are now, right?. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. You find a hotel, and text me, ok? Mwah!”—from HER.

I sent back the message to her with a note :
“Why don’t you give him a chance? We will not be together again anyway. Don’t put your hotel moments into nothing, you can do it.”

She replied, “No strings attached. I’m still waiting for you, you know that”

And so I answered back, “You want an honest answer (____)?, I don’t recycle trash. I don’t care if you get yourself f***ed a million times. So you know, I won’t lay a single finger on a b*t**. You just prove how worthless you are. At least I made the right decision of not believing you this time.”

Her immediate response: “Don’t judge me. You know it still hurts knowing you had slept with the other woman. I can keep my words unlike you. I won’t be having sex in the hotel. It’s just a dinner date. “

“No need to explain. I don’t trust you anyway”--my last response.

She kept making explanations and sweet nothings. I don’t believe them, but I’m pissed.
I haven’t slept with anyone after we broke up, it’s a lie she didn’t even doubt.
And why am I bothered of that hotel thing?
I stayed late that night just to get up late in the morning??
I’m sick of this life.

empty memory provokes a carefree move
opens the chamber of wisdom, every soul has to prove
no one is unwelcomed, believe and take a chance
if your pen knows the rhythm, then show me how it’ll dance

I brought myself in this world of strangers and the unknown
Words helped me melting hearts like an ice cream in a cone
Hurtful memories reveal a pathetic life of a fool
Some finds them interesting, though pains aren’t pretty cool

Different souls behind mysterious names share the same universe
An artist, a journalist, a voyager, a student-nurse
An angel, a dreamer, a bookwriter and a kid
A Christian, a Muslim, where faith has no room to bid

New friends have found in this world of undefined happiness and tears
Life has shown its meaning thru wide-thinkers, even the deaf can hear
The most have chosen complex syllables likely to impress
Only a few can unveil the sentiments simply just to express

Crazy as it seem, sayin’ happy despite of odds
Fake, as they describe it, a silent part of the director’s cut
It’s easy to attract when sweet foundation has been built
Still some forces repel when unwanted character has been unsealed

So if silence occupies the heart and grief makes you sigh
Remember that the moon will never ever leave her sky
If you know whom to trust, do take your chances to fall
Fall with eyes wide open and your heart can answer and see it all

(d ff –xclusive for 2 real angels --)

Angel, the ambiguous, yet not that complicated
Finding the wrong princes should never be hated
Braver spirit, sensible wits will make you certain---
Of meeting the deserving prince who’ll mend those broken wing(s) again

Didz, still beautiful behind d blue heart that often dares
Sensuous smile, oh, catching everyone who stares
Making each day lighter, optimism’s contagious to all
Single yet taken, charm draws every creature to fall..

..i want go home..not in our house, nor n the apartment..i want go back to the place where I can be with myself alone..away from this world, not in this planet, away from this universe..

..am I experiencing a wonderful life?.., am I missing something?..is this real?..

.i’ve been wondering the mysteries of this life..why do we need to go out into this world and experience the things happening now..are we destined to have them?..is there really a destiny?..if God has written our fates, .how do we know that today isn’t the same day as yesterday?,,how sure are we that our minds are not programmed by God?..am I questioning my faith now (pardon Lord)..just a part of human nature—restless mind..

..i am weak..inside and out..i know I am sensitive, but some say I’m not
..they say I am so tough, stone-hearted, passive, carefree..
some say I’m the type who never forgets, so unforgiving..
some say I keep standards, rules with every one who comes into my life..
some say I live an easy life-no hesitations, no limits, no problems, every thing’s possible..

and I know, they must be right (maybe)..
or wrong..(they are just the “some” who failed to know me deeper..)

but this is me---

(THIS GOES TO YOU WHO ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ALL THE REASONS BEHIND THIS SELF)
...
..I am sensitive with your feelings, but I don’t want you to feel I’m still here.
..my heart is caring, though you didn’t take good care of it..
..i have forgiven you, even before you say your sorry..
..i forgot the rules when you entered my lonely life..
..i limit myself to making things impossible ‘coz I don’t want to see you cry..

And you ask me why?..

..I don’t want you to be aware of my existence, ‘coz I want you to be stronger when I’m gone..
..my heart seems deaf, ‘coz it doesn’t want to fail us again.
..you didn’t hear me forgiving, so you won’t find a reason to hurt me for the nth time..
..i don’t want to see you cry, so you won’t find the tears flowing from my own eyes..

And if..

..you can only read this, then you’ll understand..
..that silence is for the moment-- the only friend I have..
..for us to continue the journey of our separate but uncomplicated lives..
..for us to give happiness and understanding in their wise and unjust eyes…//091109

..didz’ blog made me think…09.09.09..a perfect number..and what is the next exact date of the year.. a triple 10..i paused..i remembered, it’ll be her birthday..she’ll be 23 by then, the exact age I am now..why am I thinking this way..i don’t like the feeling..here we go again..memories..memories..

her 1st birthday we shared together was with her classmates and their mentor..i was so attached with them, I built a friendship with the people--my classmates (in college) would least be interested knowing..(that course-related issues)..i forgot and broke our class rule because of her (it wasn’t really a rule to hate them,,heheh)..i got to know them well, after office I was attending their classes as a regular student and my attendance is a must..(damnly stupid)..it was fun..and that dinner date with the class on her day was really special 

..on her 2nd birthday, she was in their review school..i took a leave from the office and travelled by sea in an hour to surprise her on that day..only her friends knew I was coming..and there, I met them in the church..i saw a teary-eyed lover smiling in front of me..

..that was then..

..now is a new chapter..

..two nights ago, she texted..’hi..how are you’—
and i gave her the same answer “pls do leave me alone”..

she insistd..and so I called her..i asked her nicely to let me go..

she refused..

i felt my face turned red (she’s getting n my nerve)..
she said” juz let me contact you..”I’m sick right now..pls just let me do this..”

.. still..my answer was” NO”..

..the worst, she wanted to meet me in my apartment again, "we’ll talk..i’ll spend a night with you..”

i tried to give excuses but she’s willing to wait..finally I told her, “I don’t want to see you again”..

..she begged, “please, this will be your birthday gift for me”..

..I kept silent..until I said my final NO..


Now, I am deeply bothered..what will happen after 30 days..her another birthday..


Should I make this day special for her?

Or..

Should I stick with my promise to my deaf heart?//090909

sometimes ..
we need to be rejected—for us to long for acceptance..
we need to let go of what we once had—for us to grasp what we really deserve..
we need to cry— to wash our blinded beliefs..
we need to wake up—to detach from our fantasies and see the real things..
we need to be afraid— to prevent from falling into mistakes..
we need to fight—to learn how to get tired and surrender..
we need to be defeated—for us to know our limitations..//090809

Memories remain in the minds of people that have given greater than what they should only give…for people who had experienced betrayal, unfaithfulness and undesirable pain..no matter how fast the clock ticks, it can’t take away the moments stocked in one’s memory. The heart beats louder than every tick of that clock..and every beat speaks the unwanted thoughts..the unspoken words, the unexpressed emotion that only a lonely self can understand. Still, you can’t hold the time..there are no test-trials..every second counts..no one can bring back the same air we breathe in..as we allow one’s self to be drowned with the helpless past//090809

Everything seems perfect, I am free again
I’ve got a lot times to spent with some good ol’ friends
I can do all things without hesitation, no need for second thoughts
I can make rhymes without the influence of the inspiration I once lost

Thousand stupid chances, every one thinks I’m a fool
I don’t believe in love, it’s just a game of endless rules
Lucky for the safe players, they ended still whole
Too bad for the riskers, sacrifices turned their hearts cold

How could a strong affection leads a fatal distraction?
How could a gentle warm touch become a deadly poison?
Those were the eyes—they promised me not to let go
Still look beautiful behind the painful regrets they tried not to show

Never would I know such efforts weren’t enough
Hard to bring back the self, the character so tough
Why didn’t I realize, I am not her ideal lover to fall
But a complete perfect loser of a love story she won’ want to recall :(

..she called a million times..she said she loves me..she said i am the most important person in her life..and so she can't live without me..i kept silent.

..my nerves can't help but reminisce those memories..painful..cruel memories..

..i cut work juz to have a date with her..i was there every single call..i didn't leave..she fooled me..i believed her..she broke a promise..i gave her more than second chances..she pursued her dreams..i supported her.. i kept in touch just as i did promise..she called day and night..i called every moment 'coz i thought she needed that strenght,the comfort..but..she turned cold..
..she came back, didn't reach her dream..she blamed me..i was a distraction after all..we broke up..
..i spent days and nights faking in front of every one else..i seemed to be tougher but tears can't stop falling..saddest christmas, sorrowful new year, tearful valentine..she was with her new man..
..i was tired..i gave up..i let her go..i wanted to move on..for six months i was a deaf..she called..asking to bring the friendship back..still i didn't listen..
..i received a message from her mentor..she failed her dream again..i felt guilty though I knew I have given her my silence so as not to be the source of her distraction..she called up..finally I answered..she needed me..i showed up..i was damnly afraid..afraid to hear those words again..
..i pushed her away..she cried..she hugged..i can’t stop falling..i cried..i fell in those lips again..we made love again and again..but the marks of the past were like blades that sunk deeper and deeper in every touch..i always knew she had the other guy..
..she left again..pursuing another dream..i kept silent..
..now she calls at nyt..she sends the same messages..”I miss you..” ..i answered nothing..
..now I’m wondrin’..will I ever hear her again?..my heart badly damaged..it can’t hear those words..it will never listen to the same sweet promises..never again..
..she made me the heart so numb..the heart that once gave every beat to her name..the heart’s once ready to leave everything just to be with her missing piece..the heart that rejected the mind..the heart that is nowhere to be found..the heart scared to fall again..the heart who doesn’t anymore care to love again..the heart that has no rhythm..the very heart that won’t listen again..