reply of a deaf heart

Dear Hon,

I may not be the best kisser.
I may not be the sweetest one you adore.
I may not have all the riches others offer.
I may not be kindest and most patient ever.

Most things are best settled when we decide to participate IN ITS END..

Hurting..
yet saving the remaining pieces of our hearts is better
than proving how fool you really are..

i will forever be your shadow
'coz you can't see me in the dark..
though i was here, you can't feel me
though you were there i feel cheated..
you thought i was gone..
yet, i am just seeing you from afar..
'coz i can't bear looking in your eyes
afraid that i'll cause the salty water to overflow..

you haven't seen me entirely..
for you were distracted by the light
you cross the path just to get there
never noticed that you were stepping--
on the broken pieces of this dumb deaf heart..

this heart is made of tinted glass
yet, your eyes are so powerful--
they can see through it while others' can't.
Sadly, the light passed through them
blinding them perfectly..
so you failed to see the other half..
the other half--
that's still unfixed yet consistently falling..
waiting for you to catch them piece by piece
and put them back as half of the whole..

your palms didn't open..
your fingers remained folded..
my deaf heart was calling your name..
"foolish heart! you are really dumb!
don't you know you're also mute
she can't hear you stupid!"

You continued your steps and failed to notice
the scattered pieces of the heart made of glass..
you stepped on to them..
the sharp edges sink deeper
you were hurt
by my brokenness..

i wanted to save the windows from the pouring rain..
but i missed to close the door from the flood awaiting to conquer..

It's 00:20..
still awake..and i realize one important thing this very moment..
i should wake up..dreams are over now..
i have taken for granted the ones i have..
and have given priority to the ideal people i always wanted--
but i never had and never will have tomorrow..
i was so entertained by the virtual life..
because of the wonderful people, they are so perfect people, i was blindly attracted..
what i missed to realize is that..someone has treated me more than just special in the real world..
that despite the pain and hatred i showed her, she didn't leave..
i guess i should be glad..
i'll try to make up with her..
it's time to let go of the ideal women..they only give unexplainable pain..
it's better to get hurt by the real people who at least tried to accept me..
i hate surprises..'coz they create pain unexpectedly..surprisingly painful.

..Just now i am thinking if you are lucky enough of having me in your life. You are miles away and yet you find a reason making my day extra special. You always prove your love in every possible way you can. A thing that I can never do now in your lonely times. I don't know how to make you feel loved right now. I hate to see you hurting and carrying a burden I can't even share with. I hate to hear you crying and I can't do nothing to take away them all from your heart. Every time you lose hope, the pain occupies me inside. For I seem to be worthless not giving you the strenght you needed from the start...I don't know what's happening with me. I wanted to comfort you every minute and just hold you close..so you will just feel the beating of my heart and will forget everything the cruel world is giving you. I love it when you put your head on my shoulder and search for my hand. In silence we can understand the unspoken cries, just a tight hold in the hand, i can make you feel safe and smile.

..Few more months before I'll see your face again. More sleepless nights to come, wondering if you're still alright. I want you to be stronger inside so you can defend yourself from those people who will try to pull you down. I want to see you as a fighter so you can just laugh all the troubles out. I don't want you to be so dependent on me for I may crush your heart without knowing. I want you to be find the courage to stand for what is right and ignore the influence of others' thinking..

..Please do realize that all lies within you, it's not in me. Fight back and prove them wrong. Fight for yourself and not for anyone else. It is your battle, I'm just here to hold your back so you won't fall.



..And most of all, never say you have nothing left..you still own me..i am still yours.

Dear ________,

I wish the past didn't happen. I always wanted to wake up with no hatred lurking inside me. I feel so tired of hating you and all the worsts that happened to us. I know I should forgive everything so I can totally move on. But until now I can't. The smartest way is to avoid you, but how can I do that if you keep on coming back in my arms? There are times I am convinced of your love. When I think of how you keep waiting despite of pushing you away again and again. You seem so numb not feeling every pain I was giving you all the way. Do you have no pride left for yourself? Why are you doing this? Why do you keep begging for the same love?
Everybody knows you have the best life. You got everything you wanted. Your friends envy you. You are born the luckiest. Everyone can't say a thing against you. Even my family loves you. And it leaves me all alone having this pain you have caused.

Your presence makes me confuse myself. Your caresses make me weak. I feel helpless every time you put your lips onto mine. Your scent stays in my nostrils, it is the same potion you've been using to keep me wanting you more. You are so uncontrollable, yet you keep controlling me. You know how to read my every move and you know how to dance with it. And it's killing me not to love you.

I wish I could tell you all these facts. But I won't. 'COz the moment you will hear these words, then you will know you have the right to own me again. I wish I could stay as a sweet lover as you used to know me. I wish I could reply to your -i luv you- without hesitation behind my deaf heart.. I just wish I could stop thinking of you now..



unwell,

_ _ _ _ _ _

The most beautiful words by a wounded heart:
"I never stopped loving you, I just stop showing it"

Message sent followed by my number. Sent back by my past love last night. I don't remember the exact day I gave the message to her. Maybe it was on the time I was struggling to move on.

Whatever purpose she has upon returning the message, I didn't ask. No need to ask when you know the damage has been done. Feelings change when hearts have been broken.

That time when I have the nerve to send that message was the time I can't let things go. I put a lot of pressure for myself to work things out. I asked for second chances though I was the fooled one. I ignored the pain though it's choking me. I swallowed until the last pride I got inside just to gain her back. But she didn't hear..she can't..she won't.

My heart was totally crushed before the year 2009 started. Until now, it remained crushed. It's traumatized.

What is worst today? Every 20th marks the special day we had before.
She did greet me like she used to do. I didn't reply.
She'll be back anytime today. Should you wish me luck?


~beanizer-- trying to understand

i hate the process of FALLING iN LOVE--
when your mind can't think straight and your heart can't let go..
when you want to stop but its gravity is pulling you stronger..
and you keep on fighting to end it but your will becomes weaker..



i hate the process of FALLING iN LOVE--
when you act like a fool and you don't mind that fact..
when you build expectations yet no commitment was made..
when you rely on someone and you are not worth trusted..



=STILL, I CAN TAKE THE PROCESS DESPITE IT CLEARLY DEFINED THE RISK=


BUT, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS LINE TOLD BY A BROKEN GIRL TO AN ORDINARY BOY:

"--but im glad someone's keeping me happy now:)
I maybe not your girl but atleast you're sure I'll stay.."

THUS, realized..

SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

For a month i left this deaf site. It remained silent during the month of love and wished to keep the quietness 'til the end..but didn't happen..i still miss my dear deaf heart. I turned into the old pages of it and found--most pieces were broken and sad..for a long span it dedicated the lines to some special people..i wish to have an amnesia..i want to think that they are all mere fictions and just plain work pieces..no inspirations..but still thanks to those people who made the deaf heart hear for quite some time..

Now, this site is moving on.

It has no assurance of giving better new posts and will not speak according to real experiences of the writer. It will only tell fictions and baseless views. It will only hear others' thoughts without asking. It leaves the option for the reader either to follow every word or just leave it unread.

~way back in highschool,we play this song (in a school concert)..
i choose the instrumentals for you to try following the tune through your heart..
to those who can still hear, take time:

Have you ever seen yourself so lucky?--
that you are indeed proud of what you are?--
that you see yourself bringing sunshine in one person's life?--
that you wake up each morning having that wide smile that even reaches the depth of your soul?--

Have you ever felt so special AGAIN in your life?--
that you have found another reason of your existence?--
that you are making a purpose on this planet to some strangers?--
that you believe your past nightmares are finally over?--

I HAVE~~THEN.

But..


Have you experienced being broken AGAIN?--
by another person who you thought is different from the first one?--
that you thought would be willing to accept you after all?--
and you tried to give yourself another damn excuse just to fall?

Have you felt the SAME familiar pain AGAIN?--
finding out she is feeling the same happiness you once tried to give her?--
that you realized the same words she gave you belongs to someone else now?--
and you were JUST one of her PAST who never passed her standards?--

I GUESS~~I HAVE TOO.

And..

It's the damnest thing I hated most..yet..I'm locked into right now.



LeSSON: DON'T TRUST STRANGERS. (I have to say that..part of blogging)

~~Beanizer about to explode~~

Finally, the love's month is over..
Now here I go again..

"It's amazing how the falling rain symbolizes fearless love..
It goes down nOt knowing where it would land..
yet, IT STILL FALLS.."

~Who fears love? = I DON'T.
~Who fears falling in love? = I do.. in special cases.

Young people loves falling in love, even matured people loves it. Do we find the signs if the person we meet will make us fall? Obviously, there are no signs. Maybe such why they call it "falling in love" 'coz we are not forced to fall.

I met some thought one time, it says that falling in love is like falling on a dump hole. There are just 2 reasons why it happens..1--by accident or 2--you're simply stupid. I don't know if I believe it. 'Coz there are times I believe in serendipity--the hopeless romantic side of me. Yet most I conclude, Cupid is drunk when he is in the mood of hitting me with his arrows.

There's nothing wrong having fears especially with falling IN love. It is not wrong to save your own heart. It is not wrong to UNrisk a friendship. It further shows you really love the person 'coz you're afraid of losing him/her as a friend and keeping your love for the sake of keeping her/him a lifetime(?). But, is it fair? It may seem selfish to getting him/her a chance to be happy with you? I don't know.

I fell in love once and I do admit..the love is not totally gone, yet, the level of love is not the same anymore. It is easy to fall in love but it is a lot harder to fall out of it. It sounds stupid. When the one I USED to love asked me if I'm falling in love with someone new, I just turned silent. I am confused. If I say yes, the next question is--with whom?, and that, is the hardest part 'coz I don't know who's to fall or if the feeling is real or..it's just an illusion.

Ok, so those who are IN LOVE, please raise your comments and explain it to me.


~~bean's ____________________________

He is the one who owns a deaf betrayed heart--
She is somebody who takes love as a true art--
He is so impatient, he doesn't want anybody's trust--
She is but amazing, protecting her heart is a must--

They met in a built-world, where sentiments are seen--
She caught his attention, he thinks she's a prize to win--
She taught him to say sorry, though he doubted if it can mend--
She got him under her spell, he didn't notice it is a dead end--

They exchanged beautiful lines, it is more than heaven--
He trusted his feelings, she asked him to be just her friend--
He said it was fine but a dream was never forbidden--
She said he made her smile, he thought it was a great thing--

Little did they know, they were not in the real world--
For the place where she met him, is the place of the unheard--
No matter how well he expressed it, words didn't prove enough--
No matter how she read them, he was not her prince so tough--

He loved her complications still she complicated it the more--
For her heart remained sealed, he's stupid to believe he's in its core--
Too late for his brain to warn him, his heart became his head--
She still loved her old past, she made his deaf heart now dead--


~~beanizer_05~~

The most common issue in any kind of relationship that some unhealthy couples failed to pass, some lucky-enough lovers conquered, some crazy- forgiving martyrs misunderstood, some broken hearted people valued in the end is


Most say, it is a test in a long-distance relationship. Others further, it is an act of love and understanding. Still some suggest not questioning its meaning. Which is much applicable? Does it really matter?

I think the problem arises when TRUST complicates TRUST. Confusing? Well, I’m more than confused too (hehehe).
But seriously, I realize that the more we rely on the word “TRUST”, the lesser we trust other people.

Until now, I keep on telling myself, “DON’T TRUST TOO MUCH”. Is it because thinkers are doers, and that I am not the type who can’T be trusted too? Hmmmm, that, I keep silent, ask my friends in that case (if then they tell you I am a cheater, no doubt, they are CERTIFIED LIARS!)

Getting back to my statement, TRUST COMPLICATES TRUST is based on my own experience which I don’t want to get into details. Okay, a little sharing of what happened..
I tried to put a TRUST test on someone whom I wanted to accept me without giving much information about my whole being.
I did it simply because I want to assure myself that I have found the real one who will be contented upon accepting the simple ways that would make her feel important. Few actions that would make her realize how much greater time and love I can give on the very day God allows for me to hold her in my arms. And that she would say, “IF HE MAKES ME SPECIAL NOW THAT WE’RE NOT YET TOGETHER, HOW MUCH MORE IF HE’S ALL MINE?” I wanted to know how well she can live with the patience with neither seeing nor hearing me. I kept observing the reaction of the person expecting constant responses.
I am hoping the impossible to happen—an unconditional acceptance. But of course, I was wrong.

Human as we are, we have restless minds. Unending whyS, so many questions. I was blinded by my own ambition of having been accepted without doubts. I was insensitive of the other person’s way of thinking and feeling.
I only listened to my own reasons, denying the fact that I knew what she wanted to happen though she didn’t say them.
I was sweet, rude, thoughtful, selfish, impulsive, caring, jealous, understanding, doubtful, sensitive, insensitive. Whoever accepts this complicated character is a FOOL (such reason why my friends are kinda retarded, hehehe).

While I was doing the test of TRUST on the person, I never noticed I was losing her.
The more I tried her faith, the more she was losing it on me.
I JUST WANTED TO BE TRUSTED..BUT I FAILED TO TRUST HER TOO.

And so everything ended in a wink..WHEN MY IDEAL TRUST COMPLICATED MY CONFUSED TRUST.<

~let me share the following lines i've written way back in high school..pardon the words..so elementary..not so good playing with syllables, this is entitled..

A HEAVEN IN A HELL

here i am in desperate destiny
asking myself why you leave me in misery
it is easy to forget- as they always say
yet it's hard not to hate it even just for a day

goodbye is the last word that came from your mouth
your reasons of departing often leave me in doubts
i'm not anymore a martyr who'll long to love you with all my might
but a stone-hearted lover who'll continue and learn how to fight



i was an idiot on the day we first met
never noticed you treat me like a real pet
and i keep on acting like evrything's all right
even though i can feel you holding me so tight

i cant't yell at you when i see your warmest smile
i can't tell myself the truth but only a lie
leaving you is a word i can't even tell
for being you is like a heaven in a hell!




~when i made this piece, i dedicated this to no one, i was not hurt or broken in those times (honestly),, but now, i think i can relate to my own writing~

What makes a person gamble love?

Not all people who wanted love knew it. Not all couples who are bounded by love feel secured. Not all who needed a lover search love. Not all who waited love get the chance to be loved back.

Some people decide to be alone not because of pain. Some people leave their lovers not because of hurting. Some people give up not because of tiredness. Some people choose no one to love
not because they don’t feel it.

Love is a game of endless rules. The gamblers of this subject should act as a real warrior in a wide battlefield. The risk of investing in this business entails a stronger spirit ready to hold and let go at any possible time. Love knows no definite hour. Love never guarantees the waiting. Love never assures long days, months and years.
Love does fade if not polished well.

Loving is a choice.
Choosing nothing is not a choice but an escape.